SFH #213: What scares you the most in life?
Our fear is an opprtunity to learn and grow (while still accessing safety)
I'm scared to die
I'm shooting this shot today. My morbid inspiration: I just watched an Instagram reel of Ryan Holiday's (the Daily Stoic) and he reviewed 'three brutally honest truths'. The last one being. We will die.
We all understand the idea that we will die, but I would contend that the majority of us cannot accept and embrace this fact. I certainly can't. I'm very afraid of my mortality. I know and feel this for several reasons.
First and foremost, when I'm sick or hurt I can't deal! I enter into a child-like state when I'm out for the count. I feel inadequate and out of control. I revert to a small child where I just want someone to care for me. However, I also lash out and can't communicate my discomfort without a 5 year old quality to it. It's a natural response, but also a regressive one to deal with the unmanageable stress that by all accounts in my life looks like other's handle it better.
Secondly, I feel very satisfied with the life I've led so far (and an unconventional one at that). The thing I worry most about is that I don't get to keep having experiences, feelings, and connections. I don't know what's beyond this life, I just know I prefer to stay connected to everything around me. I'm not sure if it's anxiety about separation or a survival instinct. Nonetheless, I'm flooded with worry surrounding the idea of a decline and eventual ending comes up for me.
And finally, I feel the most suffering in life from unworthiness (or inadequacy). I would even like to create a cynical woe is me sentence here, to cut into my vulnerability and pretend to be in control of my situation somehow. At 45, I still feel that I have yet to fulfill a void of unrealized potential. How will I be able to do it in the end? I understand it's all about my perspective and how I'm wired. And I get that I control that component even more than accomplishing actual feats in the physical world. It's just so confounding to me that even with awareness, I can't overcome the emotional swell of feeling the weight of my unworthiness at times.
So, why am I sharing this today?
I believe it's healthy to explore mortality. Simply putting a spotlight on my own discomfort has given me new perspective and a new opportunity to connect more deeply with my family and friends. Even my delicate and impermanent existence shows up as more compassion and understanding on a day-to-day basis. I've definitely felt more connected to my kids, and more driven by what truly matters to me since unpacking this fear for the first time.
To cap the discussion off, I encourage you all to reach out if you have feelings and thoughts about your own mortality. I'd be happy to discuss. And my apologies to those of you I upset when I blurted out my thoughts about death in a sharp or cynical tone (sorry mom 😜).